We had to dissect a pig larynx in science class today. It was pretty disgusting, especially after I dared Jeffy Ellis to eat part of it and he totally did.

My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to do cartwheels for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "When all you have is a hammer, Hallmark." I mean, what does that even mean?

My dad went a little crazy last night and painted my whole room taupe. And I mean the *whole* room. So now my sheets are all stiff and everything smells like wet paint. Do you know how to get paint off of a video game? I'm seriously jonesing without my Mind Evil 2 -- I mean, I just unlocked the variant Gold Mount before all this happened!