We had to dissect an octopus heart in science class today. It was pretty disgusting, especially after I dared Jack Dorsey to eat part of it and he totally did.

My dad's trying to get me into tanning iron filings, but I don't see the point. What a weird hobby! I'd rather be tanning bottle caps.

My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to crack walnuts for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, but how you play the game." I mean, what does that even mean?