After school, I usually hang out with my friends, unless they ask me if I want to do drugs. Then I say, "I like you, but I don't like drugs. Let's calculate exact change instead!" That usually cures my problem of having any friends.

My mom says I should hang out with the new kid at school. His name's Reed Wallace, if you can believe it. His mom packs him these weird organic lunches and when he gets close to peanuts, he swells up like a balloon. It's kind of a cool trick. I dunno. He's kind of a Poindexter, but I'm trying. I even traded him my mashed potatoes at lunch yesterday for one of his gluten-free vegetable protein smoothies. I should get a medal.