My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to sit under a waterfall for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, you'll get a silly answer." I mean, what does that even mean?

The other day me and Mikey were playing ultimate frisbee over by the condemned mineshaft and he said he thought he saw a zombie. I told him they weren't real, and he got this weird look in his eyes and said "Oh, they're real. They're real, all right. You'll find out soon enough."