Life here is the same as it ever was. Every morning, I have to mop dad's shoes before I can eat breakfast. Usually, I have a big plate of bacon bits with a side of cucumbers, and wash it down with a glass of Dyspepsi Cola.

There's this totally cute new girl at school! Her name is Morgan McKinney and she's fantastic. I mean, she's a little weird; her mom packs her these gross organic lunches, and if she even smells a peanut, she gets all swollen and has to lie down, but she's still awesome. I wonder if she's into arranging ships in a bottle? I dunno. How do you talk to girls?