How are things in the Kingdom of Loathing?

It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. Gallegos, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and brush the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

My dad's trying to get me into raising matchbook covers, but I don't see the point. What a weird hobby! I'd rather be protesting Lucky Surprise Eggs.

My mom says I'm playing too many video games and getting too fat. So now when I get home from school, I have to dig ditches and fill them back in for an hour before she'll let me in the house. I told her that all of my friends are way fatter than I am, and you know what she said? She said, "If you can't stand the heat, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime." I mean, what does that even mean?