It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. McCullough, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and brush the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

After school today, I went down to the corner store to buy some Sugar Peppermint Wads and the new issue of The Exploits of Romeo Payne vs. the Ancient Brigade, but it turned out I didn't have any money! Mom won't give me an advance on my allowance unless I groom the bathroom. Crap!

Mom kept pestering me to exfoliate my little brother while I was playing Mass Snake 3 today. I tried to tell her I was in the middle of a boss fight, but she made me do it anyway. She said "You can lead a horse to water, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime." I have no idea what she's talking about when she says stuff like that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm adopted.