It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. McIntosh, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and clean the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

My buddies and I joined an after-school duck, duck, goose team. Oh, I think you call it "kickball" over there, is that right? How confusing. Anyway, my mom says I spend way too much time playing video games (I like Devil Fantasy 7 the best), so I have to play outside so I don't get fat. Whatever! I only weigh 2650 candygrams. I'm not sure how that converts to whatever weight you guys use.

Mom kept pestering me to scour the dishes while I was playing Modern Evil 10 today. I tried to tell her I was in the middle of a boss fight, but she made me do it anyway. She said "If your best friend picked his nose and ate it, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime." I have no idea what she's talking about when she says stuff like that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm adopted.