Life here is the same as it ever was. Every morning, I have to mop dad's shoes before I can eat breakfast. Usually, I have a big plate of pound cake with a side of rhubarb, and wash it down with a glass of bacon grease.

That big bully Stevie Jackson took my lunch money and tore up my copy of The Astonishing Lou Malone and the Mighty Beatniks today. I hate him so much! Mr. O'Connor says if you ignore a bully, he'll lose interest. My dad says that's a crock of bullcrap (except he didn't say bullcrap, he said a bad word) and that the only way to deal with a bully is to smash his groin in. He's really big though! Maybe I should take some rond-fu lessons.