It must be real exciting to get to fight ogres and monsters all the time! I've only ever seen one ogre -- Mr. McPherson, my Geography teacher. He's got a big pot belly and snaggly teeth and hair growing out of his ears and he's real grumpy all the time, so I'm pretty sure he's an ogre. He made me stay after class and brush the blackboard because I couldn't remember the name of some dumb river. If you're ever in town, I'll find out where he lives so you can hit him with your sword. That'll teach him! Ha ha ha, see what I did there?

Since my last letter, I've gotten obsessed with stealing iron filings. It's really rewarding! I don't feel lonely at all when I'm doing it.

My buddies and I joined an after-school golf team. Oh, I think you call it "miniature golf" over there, is that right? How confusing. Anyway, my mom says I spend way too much time playing video games (I like Mortal Age 13 the best), so I have to play outside so I don't get fat. Whatever! I only weigh 2950 candygrams. I'm not sure how that converts to whatever weight you guys use.