Meet the Hobos
(special thanks to John Hodgman)

Normal: Stunted Manny "Salami Hog" Shatner, of the Hill People

Hot: Pan-Fried Randy "Afterburner" Young, the Human Barbecue

Cold: Northern Exposure J. R. "Icemaker" Dunn

Stench: Stinky Kenny "Garlic Press" Simon, the Nonbather

Spooky: Dreadful Ted "Skullface" Bush, the Tommyknocker Man

Sleazy: Mature Audiences J. B., the Guy Who Casually Brushes Up Against You Way Too Often for It to Be a Coincidence

Crimbo: Ol' Saint Brendanos "Gumdrop" Turkeyblaster

The Hoboverlord sez: Gotta shuffle the table. It's Napoleon, Napoleon is...

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