| Ever since you were a little boy, you wanted to become a mighty pirate and sail the seven seas, looting and plundering. Unfortunately, the country of Bacon is totally land-locked, so you had to settle for being a Thief. In the fiefdom of Phleberron, in the unpleasant-smelling backwater of Stubborn Mule, you found an inn with cheap zima and spent the night carousing. There, you heard a tale of the forgotten treasure of the Ruby River, lost for ages during the time of the great fire. You decided to seek the treasure yourself, heedless of the literal mountain of skeletons of those who had tried before you. You were doing really well until you had to fend off half a dozen indigent native tribesmen with your nipple trapped in a crocodile's mouth. Fortunately, most of them ran away when the beholder showed up, and you played dead until it left. That's not very heroic, but hey, it worked. You holed up in a small storeroom with a lockable door, and spent several weeks resting until your hitpoints were back to full. Then, keeping a careful eye out for orcs, you made your way to the lair of Dark Witchlord Scabglow and the object of your quest. You thought he nearly had you when he summoned a foul shoggoth to his aid, but you put paid to the beast with your scythe and knocked the villain screaming into a swinging razor-sharp pendulum with a well-placed kick to the calf. At last, the treasure was yours!
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