Life was hard as a young man growing up in the city of New Brunswick, and it became even harder when you had your heart stolen by a fat, bright-eyed cook. You became a Thief, in order to steal it back (with interest).

As luck would have it, as you were passing through the land of Shaffly-on-Surrey, you stopped at the inn in the quiet hamlet of Whacking, and heard the local serf talking about the ancient crypt that the town had (perhaps ill-advisedly) been built next to, and the fantastic Ruby Idol of Shadowhold that was purported to be hidden there. Without bothering to ask why nobody had managed to recover it already, you set out on your very first quest.

Everything was going great up until the part where you found yourself trapped between a swinging razor-sharp pendulum and a vending machine, with a cockatrice bearing down upon you. That strawberry was pretty delicious, but it's didn't really make up for the damage to your neck.

But, unwilling to let that keep you from glory, you gritted your teeth and wielded your spoon, and cut your way through the hordes of skeletons that stood between you and your goal. At last you found the lair of Shadow Overlord Grunwold, who quite unexpectedly turned out to be your long-lost cousin, but you killed the skank anyway. And thus was the land freed from tyranny, and you earned yourself a fat reward!

Loot:heavy pike of forthrightness
invisible bag of spiteful polygamy
buttguard of contemptful brilliance