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Wednesday, February 28, 2001

Tuesday, February 27, 2001

This is what happens when you leave unwashed heathens alone near your dry-erase markers. The sickest part is that thing about 5:10 at Terminal 4. What kind of family lives do these people have?

Monday, February 26, 2001

Back in the age of the Pharoahs, the ruler of the mighty city of Babylon commissioned a ziggurat to be built at the edge of the city to serve as a lookout tower in case of foreign attack. The watchman at the top of the ziggurat held a torch at the ready, and at the first sign of trouble he would use it to light a signal fire, rallying all of the city's armed forces.

The trouble was, the watchman was only human, and one evening while he was out for a pee a group of miscreant children snuck up to the top of the tower and lit the signal fire, putting the whole town on red alert for nothing.

The ruler of Babylon was incensed, and decreed that henceforth the torch would be kept behind a locked grate, to which only the watchman had a key. After that, Babylon slept peacefully, with no more false alarms.

Thus was invented the first childproof ziggurat lighter.

Sunday, February 25, 2001

Saturday, February 24, 2001

Friday, February 23, 2001

Thursday, February 22, 2001

Wednesday, February 21, 2001

El Pezezoroso are say: Robots has bring up us back to home planet. All (okay, yes) is now. To not be police / government involving as we fine is. Robots are left us Earth.

Here for today funny (enlightening) comic picture. Enjoy is good.

Tuesday, February 20, 2001

Monday, February 19, 2001

ERROR:  No content in farm.  Contact El Perezoso.

Sunday, February 18, 2001

ERROR:  No content in farm.  Contact El Perezoso.

Saturday, February 17, 2001

An Open Letter to Snyder's of Hanover Snack Foods

After our recent purchase of a bag of your "Cheese Mini Pretzels (Made with REAL CHEDDAR,)" we are led to the conclusion that certain operatives deep within your company are not familiar with what, in fact, a pretzel is.

Since this would seem to be rather important knowledge for a company which advertises itself as "America's Pretzel Bakery Since 1909," we've prepared the following brief document which should shed some light on the elusive nature of pretzels.

Figure 1

Figure 1 depicts a pretzel. This is the standard by which, for the purposes of this document, other items will be judged.

Figure 2

This is one of your Cheese Mini Pretzels. As near as we can tell, it's a Cheez-It which has been baked in the shape of a pretzel rather than that of an uncomfortable pillow. Having the shape of a pretzel, however, is not enough to qualify a given object as an actual pretzel. Consider the following evidence:

Figure 3

In Figure 3, a wire twist-tie is shown, which has been bent into the shape of a pretzel. One bite of this is enough to convince you that while this object may be shaped like a pretzel, a pretzel it most certainly is not.

Figure 4

Figure 4 shows a shoelace which has also been arranged into the shape of a pretzel. Although slightly tastier than your product, it is again clearly not a pretzel.

We hope this has been a helpful guide, and that you will feel free to consult us in the future should any other snack-food-oriented confusion arise.

Sincerely,
The staff of asymmetric.net

Friday, February 16, 2001

Wednesday, February 14, 2001

El Perezoso sez: This was in a memo handed out by the management of my apartment complex. So much for my grand vision of selling my patented "Bayou Bacon Bits."

Tuesday, February 13, 2001

Fun With Office Supplies! How to Make a Super-Fun Paper Airplane!
	Find an ordinary 8.5x11.5 sheet of paper. Then fold the top left corner down until it's even with the right side of the page.
	Now make the 11 additional folds pictured in this diagram.
	Now just fold the pointy part backwards, and your plane is ready to fly!
	Now look what you've done. Absolute carnage. Think of the families of your victims, and all of the suffering your carelessness has caused them. Maybe next time you'll pay more attention during step 2.

Monday, February 12, 2001

Vato Lobo Loco found this label on an imported Japanese action figure. This is not a new product at all.

Sunday, February 11, 2001

Saturday, February 10, 2001

Friday, February 09, 2001

This guy walks up to the counter, and says "Gimme a ham and cheese sandwich on rye."

The woman behind the counter says "Sir, this is a library!"

And the guy whispers "Oh, sorry, ma'am -- gimme a ham and cheese sandwich on rye."

Thursday, February 08, 2001

1. My most impressive feature is:

A. Claws which I use to rend my hapless human prey asunder
B. Wingtip-mounted machine guns
C. The songwriting prowess of John Kay

A. A silver bullet
B. A terrorist with a shoulder-mounted missile launcher
C. Drugs, alcohol, and the waning popularity of the song "Magic Carpet Ride"

A. The waxing and waning of the moon
B. Dominick
C. My tour manager

If you answered all three questions A, you are a Werewolf.
All three questions B, you are Airwolf.
All three questions C, you are Steppenwolf
Any other combination of answers means you're probably a Taiwanese prostitute.

Wednesday, February 07, 2001

Things To Do In California When You're Us by The Staff
	We discovered that just as Fatboy Slim postulated, Kalifornia is indeed druggy druggy druggy druggy.
	El Perezoso paid good, hard-earned money to use a filthy McDonald's restroom.
	El Perezoso and Vato Lobo Loco met Mighty Bjorn and went to a They Might Be Giants concert, at which Vato Lobo Loco spilled some beer on his shoe. I didn't say it was a good story...
	Vato Lobo Loco and Moonblossom took turns saying "California" to one another in a high-pitched nasal voice.
	El Perezoso watched a good man die, Troy tossed a fifth of gin, Moonblossom robbed a grocery store, Vato Lobo Loco flipped off President George, Captain Crotch shot his gun into the night, and then we all went to Disneyland.

Tuesday, February 06, 2001

Monday, February 05, 2001

Sunday, February 04, 2001

Saturday, February 03, 2001

Friday, February 02, 2001

The Waterboy - Dimwit Surges Forth

Nixon - The Big Liar

As Good As It Gets - Mr. Cat Poop

Barb Wire - I Told You It Takes More Than Tits To Keep A Movie From Bombing

The Postman - This Movie Would Have Been Better Had It Starred Wesley Snipes Or Perhaps RuPaul

Toy Story - If You're Attractive Or Have Technical Skills, There's No Need To Go To College

Finding Forrester - Are You Sure There Aren't Any Peanuts In This? It's Important, Because I'm Seriously Allergic To Peanuts. I Could Die, Dude.

Thursday, February 01, 2001