attractions   games   archives   forums   contact

What We Got for Christmas (And why it has adversely affected productivity)
	El Perezoso got a new hard drive. He's been spending all of his free time screwing around with Redhat. Teeth-gnashing and screams of frustration have been heard from his desk, instead of the usual snoring and giggling.
	Moonblossom got this fondue set. She's been spending all of her spare time using it to make the entire office smell like rank ass.
	Troy got this handsome flask, which is not square, because it is a "hip" flask. So as not to seem ungrateful, he has increased his whiskey consumption from zero to "lots and lots" as the holiday season draws to a close.
	Vato Lobo Loco got some foties. After the meager amount we poured on the ground in homage to our dead homies, we consumed the rest with gusto, quickly followed up by nausea.
	Captain Crotch got a subscription to Me Head, a surefire ticket to hours and hours of blissfully wasted time.
	We tried to find a lump of coal for Pablo Chung, but we ended up giving him a handful of cigarette butts instead. Maybe next year more attention will be given to our miserable working conditions and level of pay, which is comparable to that of an Industrial Revolution nine-year-old.

Saturday, December 30, 2000

Hi. I'm not home right now. But if you want to leave a message, just start talking at the sound of the tone.

- Laurie Anderson, O Superman (for Massenet)

Friday, December 29, 2000

	I see dead people.
	I see bread people.
	I see toast people.
	I see toasted cheese sandwich people.

Thursday, December 28, 2000

Back even sooner still. Just returned from Holiday vacation.

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

Back even sooner. Holiday vacation still.

Tuesday, December 26, 2000

Back soon. Holiday vacation.

Monday, December 25, 2000

 We'll be frabjous
 When we're mimsy
 We'll be frabjous

 I get knocked down
 But I get up again
 I've got my vorpal sword with me

 I get knocked down
 But I get up again
 and rest by the Tumtum tree

 He drinks a whisky drink
 He drinks a vodka drink
 He drinks a lager drink
 He drinks a cider drink
 He sings the songs that remind him
 Of the borogoves
 He sings the songs that remind him  
 Of the slithy toves

 Oh, Beamish Boy
 Beamish Boy
 Beamish Boy

Sunday, December 24, 2000

So far I've collected the usable bones from a KFC 8-piece Chicken Dinner. I've discovered that if they're kept in a paper bag, they'll dry out pretty nicely on their own. I'm still brainstorming how to easily and quickly remove the extra gristle. Mmmm mmmm, gristle.

I still haven't made a decision on the undercarriage. I'll have to strike a delicate compromise between bird bone purity, aesthetics, and functionality. I'll sleep on it.

Saturday, December 23, 2000

Friday, December 22, 2000

Joey Lawrence born: Wednesday, April 20, 1976 Wednesday's child is full of WHOAH.

El Perezoso sez: If you're enough of a dork to actually check: Yes, you're right, April 20, 1976 was a Tuesday. It's called artistic license. Live with it.

Thursday, December 21, 2000

Captain Crotch
presents:
Guaranteed Effective Pickup Lines

• If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? Because really it's a compliment, and I don't understand why it would upset you.
  
  
• Hey, baby. Let's rearrange the letters in the word "ennui," and put U and I together. Oh, wait, I guess we don't need to. Never mind.
  
  
• Is your father a baker? Because you sort of smell like a bakery.
  
  
• Sleep with me if I'm wrong, but aren't you a total stranger?
  
  
• Do you clean your pants with Windex? I ask because I'm sort of paranoid about germs, and if you do, I'd suggest using something with better antibacterial properties.

Wednesday, December 20, 2000

Hit someone when:

• You say "Did you get a haircut?"
  and they say "Yup. Got 'em ALL cut."
  
  
• You say "Is today Friday?"
  and they say "Yup. All day."
  
  
• You say "Sure is hot."
  and they say "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
  
  
• You say "What time is it?"
  and they say "Time to get a watch."
  
  

Tuesday, December 19, 2000

Monday, December 18, 2000

Fun with Office Supplies!
	To do this trick you'll need the following: One rubber band 5 paperclips 5 thumbtacks
	Now straighten out the paperclips and arrange everything as shown.
	Now light a match, hold it above the center of the rubber band, and chant the following incantation: "Fecundus Abominatum." 3 times.
	Congratulations! You've summoned Gaazriel, the Infernal Demon Lord of Beauracracy and Sexual Harrassment.
	Send him forth to do your dire bidding!

Sunday, December 17, 2000

What is Project McBOBE?

McBOBE stands for Car Made Entirely of Bird Bones. Actually, it's an anagram of the acronym that stands for that. So, er, let's say it stands for "Motorcar. Contents: Bird (Orni-) Bones. Excellent."

Umm, what?

Here's a conceptual schematic diagram:

Wait a minute -- what?

I'm going to make a car out of bird bones.

Why?

Because it's funny.

It is?

Well, I certainly think so.

You're an idiot.

Although I do hear that frequently, it's not a question.

Where are you going to get all of the bird bones?

I'm thinking I'll use the bones from chicken wings. That way I get to eat lots of tasty chicken wings. Yum.

How are you going to put them together?

Probably glue. I haven't exactly thought this through in much detail.

If you use glue, then it's not technically "A car made entirely of bird bones," now, is it?

It's close enough. Leave me alone.

How are you going to make the wheels?

That's a good question. Maybe I'll use the undercarriage and wheels from some cheap model car, or maybe make them out of LEGOs. I don't know.

If you use parts from a model, or LEGOs, then it's not technically "A car made entirely of bird bones," now, is it?

I thought we already addressed that. Shut up.

Can you think of any lame Madonna lyrics that would be appropriate to share at this juncture?

Yes. Yes I can.

I like to singy singy singy.
Like a bird on the wingy wingy wingy.

So when is Phase 2?

I'll start eating chicken wings and trying to find a way to clean the bones as soon as I get hungry. Once I decide how big I want the car to be, I can figure out how many wings I'll need to eat and how long it'll take. So in short, I don't know.

Saturday, December 16, 2000

Friday, December 15, 2000

El Perezoso sez: Okay, kids. Our new policy is apparently to not have any content ready, then hastily shove some crap up from work, late in the morning. In that spirit, here's some crap.

• The uncanny ability to know exactly how much time is remaining on any parking meter, provided that parking meter is in some other town than the one you're in.
• A perfect photographic memory, but one limited to scenes of grisly auto crashes.
• The ability to produce, from thin air, gift certificates to any defunct or burned-down department store.
• "Form of: SALSA!"

Thursday, December 14, 2000

El Perezoso sez: If you're cheap and uncreative like me, you might want to consider going "South of the Border" for your Christmas shopping this year. Here are some handy Spanish phrases which may prove helpful:

---

Spanish: El panadero esta quemando mi chaqueta.

English: The baker is burning my jacket.

---

Spanish: Quiero un coche hecho enteramente de huesos de pajaro.

English: I want a car made entirely of bird bones.

---

Spanish: Puta, cuidado -- piso mojado.

English: Look out, whore -- wet floor!

---

(I like the last one best, because it rhymes internally in more than one language. But that's just me, y'know.)

Wednesday, December 13, 2000

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs, hanging above your window?

A: Kurt 'n' Rod

---

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the bridge of your nose?

A: Sunglasses

---

Q: What do you call a guy with a PhD in English Literature, no arms and no legs, sitting in front of your door?

A: Dr. Matt

---

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no torso?

A: 'Ed.

---

Q: What do you call a guy named Ernie with no arms and no legs?

A: Ernie.

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

Poetry Corner Blank Verse Limericks There once was a man from Sheboygan Whose body was shaped like a carrot But he didn't mind For he said to himself "At least I'm not built like a turnip." A certain young lady named Alice Had a teddy bear named "Mr. Bumpy." She loved him so much She took him everywhere Which was odd, for a woman of 30. (courtesy of Bjorn the Mighty)

Monday, December 11, 2000

I see dead people.

Sunday, December 10, 2000

umm, would you believe...

that there'll be something up tomorrow?

didn't think so.

you'll see, though.

Saturday, December 09, 2000

okay, I guess there won't be anything.

and we were doing so well.

Dammit.

Friday, December 08, 2000

later.

really.

there will be something here.

Thursday, December 07, 2000

Wednesday, December 06, 2000

Walk up to someone, and hold out your hand, which contains a nickel and a penny.

Whisper "I see dead people."

Even though you thought it was funny, they'll say something like "Wow. I hadn't seen that one before," or "That's so funny people were doing it a year ago."

You might think it's time to leave in a huff, but here's what you do:

Repeat the joke about 15 times. In the middle of conversation, just hold out your hand and whisper "I see dead people." again. Over and over.

Then, just when they're about ready to kick your ass, do it once again, this time whispering "You had me at 'Hello.'"

Tuesday, December 05, 2000

El Perezoso sez: I don't know about the rest of you disenfranchised street vendors, but when I've got a big ol' tureen of meat juice, I can only think of one thing to make with it:

This message brought to you by the United States Gravy Advocacy Board.

Monday, December 04, 2000

ACT I

In which the staple remover I accidentally brought home from work today talks with her lover, who is a packet of Maruchan Chicken Flavor Ramen Noodles.

Staple Remover: Sometimes I think you don't love me anymore.

Ramen: Sometimes I think I never loved you in the first place.

Staple Remover: Bastard.

ACT II

In which the staple remover finds her lover in bed with a frightened ball of masking tape.

Masking Tape: Aiiieeeee!

Staple Remover: You told me you were impotent!

Ramen: I can become aroused if I imagine that you are dead.

Staple Remover: Bastard.

ACT III

In which the staple remover burns down the plantation.

Plantation: Crackle.

Ramen: This fire is almost as warm as you aren't.

Staple Remover: Bastard.

FIN

Sunday, December 03, 2000

• 27 cans, improperly stored old paint

• 1 collection, antique oily rags

• 1 box, frayed 1950s-era extension cords

• 63 multi-outlet adapters with the ground prongs clipped off

• 1 Sterno-fueled Eternal Flame shrine to the Patron Saint of Wadded-Up Tissue Paper

• 1 copy, Arson for Dummies

Saturday, December 02, 2000

El Perezoso sez: This should shed some light on our recent "hiatus."

Friday, December 01, 2000

El Perezoso sez: Protect your premises, using any of our 729 unique, personalized security systems.